


thorn in my side

by starfleetbanana



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 13:36:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9609722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: They don’t talk about it but that doesn’t mean Ben can ignore the meaning of it, he can’t ignore the nightmares and all the hours Hikaru spends staring at the ceiling before he finally falls asleep. It doesn’t mean Demora doesn’t see how exhausted her father is and Ben knows it because she asks if there’s anyway to make her papa feel better. Truth is Ben has no idea either.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title from sabotage bc im the least creative person in the world. inspired by [ this post on tumblr that made me cry ](http://vialacteas.co.vu/post/156740518587/syl-and-the-rest-of-the-enterprise-crew-were-so)

Hikaru’s got scars he’s never talked about to anyone. There’s a big one on his knee from when he learned to ride a bike and, a bruise that never quite went away after an allergic reaction to the prettiest flowers he’d ever seen -and had decided to get for his boyfriend at the time, now his husband-. He’s got a long thin scar going from his left elbow to his shoulder that Ben would pretty much like to forget altogether, thank you very much, because Hikaru’d been frustrated about that mission for about a month. And then there’s one they don’t talk about even when it’s the tiniest thing, a black line barely there. Ben sometimes finds it with his lips nuzzling the back of his neck, but he doesn’t point it out.

They don’t talk about it but that doesn’t mean Ben can ignore the meaning of it, he can’t ignore the nightmares and all the hours Hikaru spends staring at the ceiling before he finally falls asleep. It doesn’t mean Demora doesn’t see how exhausted her father is and Ben knows it because she asks if there’s anyway to make her papa feel better. Truth is Ben has no idea either.

He knows it won’t be easy to wait and hope coming back to a new ship will feel the same when the crew isn’t even close to what it used to be. Ben knows Hikaru doesn’t feel like everything’s his fault anymore, he’s had enough time to learn what responsibilities within Starfleet are like and what they mean as a bridge crew member, but he’s talked about Syl before, about how he just stood there behind them unable to do a thing to stop Krall from taking them away, about how he held Nyota when she had to explain what the weapon’d done to Syl.

Hikaru knows Uhura actually being there must’ve been worse but he can’t help remembering how Syl’d given them the abronath without a second thought because nothing was worth losing their helmsman. He doesn’t understand it though, he knows his life isn’t worthless, he’s got a family to come back to after every mission but he doesn’t get why anyone would sacrifice themselves for him, when he let them down.

He couldn’t stop Krall from killing them, he couldn’t even keep his family safe.

It’s during one of those restless nights in Yorktown where he can’t sleep because what’s the point? He’s gonna wake everyone up with his pained moans. It’s during one of those heartbreaking nights where Ben can hear him cry, and Hikaru never fucking cries, when he kisses the back of his neck -because though he pretends he’s okay, he’ll never say no to being the little spoon- and decides he’s been too patient.

"Did you get any sleep yesterday?" He asks nonchalantly. He searches for his hand tentatively in the dark. Hikaru tenses up for a second and then tries to relax back into Ben's arms. He doesn't stop his sobs from coming out when Ben sighs behind him because they've been there before, they've done this a thousand times but now it's so much more real. Now they've lost a ship, they've lost so many people and Hikaru's so afraid to let go because what if they can't save his family again? What if holos and pictures aren't enough anymore? "You know, Demora wants to make you a present so you won't be sad anymore. She wants to spend time with you before you leave" 

Ben perches his head on Hikaru's shoulder and keeps talking about all the things Demora's told him about her papa and how proud she is and how excited she is to join Starfleet when she grows up. 

"She's a brave little girl" Ben continues and it makes Hikaru smile a little. They both know space is dangerous, and how awfully frightening it can be to think of a future where Demora'll feel as broken as Hikaru does when he thinks of all things he could've done to  _keep Syl alive,_ but it doesn't work that way, he should know that, ""Just like her papa".

"We don't know what's gonna happen. I couldn't save her and what if I can't save  _you_?" Hikaru whispers and his voice is barely there, maybe because he's afraid if he says it out loud it'll turn into reality. 

It isn't as simple as that, though. Things are never supposed to be easy when you're a Starfleet member but it'd mean so much to be able to be in Ben's arms and to kiss her daughter good morning every single day. Hikaru's never been afraid of death, even if it means he could lose his family at some point, but he's afraid of not being able to stop himself from hurting so much he won't let them in anymore.

He could've done something different, if he'd been in the right place, if he'd said the right thing maybe Syl's screams wouldn't be imprinted in his brain. He's nightmares about Syl, about looking at the debris of Yorktown from the bridge of the Franklin, about him dying without Syl's help and the little scar on the back of his neck burns when he thinks of it. Krall hadn't managed to hurt him permanently, but he remembers how he felt like was being poisoned and torn apart in just a few seconds with his hand on his neck.

"You're taking care of the whole federation, I think we can try taking care of ourselves, don't we?" Ben says. Hikaru thinks of how he always manages to sound supportive and like he's not deeply scared of how dangerous his husband's job is, of how loving he always is, "You need to trust me with this, okay? We love you and we want to take care of you too" He squeezes his hand and lets go.

Hikaru sighs because he makes it seem so simple and it is, in fact, so much more complicated when he hears their voices replaying the same holovids over and over again in the dark of his quarters on the Enterprise. He turns to face Ben and peppers his face with kisses, tears still drying on his cheeks. He's never been that emotional but there's something in his chest that feels like it's pulling him toward Ben, closer and closer until he feels like he'll melt in his arms.

"You need to get some sleep, babe" He whispers, lips pressed against his hair and Hikaru's face buried in his chest, making himself tinier and tinier by the second.  

Eventually he falls asleep. The nightmares don't stop but Ben holds him through it and Hikaru doesn't hide anymore. Demora gives him her favourite shark plush before he leaves. 

**Author's Note:**

> suddenly im unable to write decent stuff, w/e, hope you enjoy my rambling. feedback's appreciated.


End file.
